Sunday, June 15, 2014

Faith.

Jadi ini cerita tentang my very first relationship.
Saya gak perlu cerita kenapa atau gimana. Tapi saya bakal cerita apa dampaknya sama hidup saya sekarang. It was my very first time having a relationship. Not just another love on one side. And to be honest, it was pretty good for a 'first time'. Why do I put the 'was' instead of an 'is'? Yup. Because, it's already OVER. 

Tapi yang saya mau ceritain disini bukan kenapanya atau galau-an gak penting. Really. The galau moment is already over. Yang mau saya ceritain adalah: (finally) I've told my Mom the truth. Ibu akhirnya tau, saya selama ini sembunyi-sembunyi, the backstreet. Saya baru ngasih tau beberapa waktu belakangan ini, karena saya nazar saat dapet SNMPTN, I promise I would tell my Mom about that. Dan ternyata Ibu tau dari awal. Ibu curiga, maka dari itu Ibu sering wanti-wanti ke saya. Ibu selalu perasa. Dan saya ngerasa kalo dia seneng akhirnya saya jujur.

Yang bikin Ibu seneng sebenernya yaitu :
1. saya akhirnya jujur, 
2. dan hubungan itu yang bikin saya akhirnya memutuskan buat berjilbab sekarang :)

Why do I wear hijab now? What is the relation between decision wearing hijab and the breakup? In my thought, I want to make boundaries. I won't let something like that happen again. And I realised, sebuah hidayah bisa datang kapan aja, even because an unhappy reason.

I don't tell that it was a bad relationship. It's just not a right relationship. I admit that I've learned a lot of lessons in my past relationship. We motivated each other, and we respected each other. Kita saling mengingatkan untuk beribadah dengan cara masing-masing. (Ah, now you know why we break up, uh? :)) We rarely argued, and honestly.... I fell in love too hard. We almost believed that we would be something more in the future. But we will never be. We can't be.
Saya disini gak mau ngebahas seberapa salah atau benarnya in a relationship dengan yang berbeda keyakinan. Disini saya cuma ngebahas tentang apa dampak dalam hidup saya akibat pilihan saya waktu itu. It's wrong but also right. But I'll never regret that. Because, without that experience, maybe I wouldn't be the person like I am now. :)

I know, it's a very sensitive topic to be told. Tapi saya rasa kalo ditutupin terus-menerus, I'll never be relieved enough. And to write something like this, I feel much stronger and stronger. I am relieved that I've been successfully faced the struggles, the secrets, the fake hopes and the taboo.

Do you want to have a love relationship with a different religion partner? Itu pilihan hidup masing-masing. Yang tahu baik-buruknya itu tiap individu masing-masing. But for me, I don't want to break the rules. I don't want to have something that I really can't have. Tapi ya tetap harus saling menghormati sebagai manusia yang baik. Saya gak pernah menyatakan suatu agama lebih baik dari agama lain. I believe we live based on one faith called respecting others. :)

In conclusion, I'm happy now, I'm relieved now. It might be a little hurt at first knowing that you can't have what you love. There were a lot of what-ifs in my head. But I'm glad that everything has been in a right place now. He has someone new, and I know that they both are good persons. Saya berdoa yang terbaik untuk mereka berdua. :)

Dan apa kabarnya dengan kisah percintaan saya? Hahahaha, saya percaya semuanya udah diatur dengan apik sama Yang Diatas. Semuanya akan terjadi di waktu yang tepat dan dengan orang tepat. Saya percaya. And again, I will never regret my decisions to be with him and to end the relationship. Karena tanpa itu saya mungkin gak akan jadi Nabila yang sekarang. Pengalaman saya belum ada apa-apanya. And I will always be excited to face the tomorrows!

PS: No more 'Peri Cintaku' moment, please! :P
PPS: It'll never be the same, though. But to be different is sometimes good!

xoxo
{Nabila}